Imaginary Enemy

I am feeling so tired of everything. It’s just so absurd---to know that everything is just a cycle, just like a circle that has no ending nor beginning. I tried to find a way to find any corner or vertices just to clear out some uncertainties and have some peace of mind and to take some rest for the sake of my own being. But it seems like my imaginary enemy is my own self. I was always the one who didn’t desire to welcome the change that always bangs on my door.

I admit that sometimes I feel like I just don’t want to continue pursuing something I don’t even know I’d get to achieve. A voice inside me says that I wouldn’t know if I wouldn’t try. What if I’m done trying and it just turns out like there’d be no more progress no matter how many times I endeavor? The hangnails on my fingers have already been bitten off. Waiting for the chance is like waiting for rain in an arid summer. What should I do? The walls are slowly getting higher in front of me. If I choose to procrastinate and spend my time for just some futility, then it’d be okay to be called idle, just to know that there’s neither frustration nor disappointments. And what should happen if I choose to climb the uphill battle? If I got to the world behind the wall, does that mean I’m ready to face the change?

Another night full of perplexities. He might think that I am busy for not answering his obvious questions. That has always been his impression; that I had a lot of things to do, or I’m busy doing my homework. Well, that never really happened. I just find pleasure in evading things once I knew the evidences. I know now that he thinks that I am more than his friend. I don’t know what rendered me to say some things I know I’d regret. Now, I’m like a fugitive running from the cops. And when they caught me, I’d be ready enough to tell all my lies.

I pity him for he’s commencing to get puzzled because of the words that spurted off from my mouth. In the first place, I never should have really said those things. And that’s what I have been saying. I don’t really know what triggered me from saying those neither accurate nor untrue words. Maybe it’s just because I am trying to find out what his feelings for me really were. But the moment I heard of the truth, I realized that I should’ve nipped the bud when it was smaller. And now, I’m in a really big mess.

It’s prohibited. Eveything about this thing is forbidden. It’s better if I just curl up like a ball in a corner and rock myself till I endlessly fall asleep.

Cut Lids to See

I see the world every bit as perfect as he can. I got acute hearing to decipher every whisper he makes. I would love to have one thing I know I’d never get. Sight. I have been so blind because of all the make-believes he’s feeding me. I was sightless to know that he’s been all over the things we’ve shared. That’s the last thing I want to know. And the last thing I want to see is when he’s happy with the other being he’s been talking about. I sensed already since the last touch of his lips on mine that everything’s going to end. Everything would have to end. No matter how little I want it to happen. I don’t have the ability to change the obvious. And now, what do I still have? Do I still have something left?

biting the dust? hell no? hopefully.

And hell ... yeah.. I still feel the same way for him.. But it seems like,.. umm, again. just like the old issues on my previous blogs.. He just seems so far away that it tears me into shreds.. And even if I put on dozens and piles of quilt above me, it still couldn't alleviate the coldness that I feel inside. He's drifting away from me, or shall I say.. I was the one drifting away from him... I'm not really good in making wild guesses.. I'm telling gibberish things. Probably it's just because I couldn't find a way to even just.. even escape from this place and just go to our haven. And savor, cherish the last few seconds that we're together. If only I could clutch time and hold on tightly to stop it..
If he thinks that the verve is starting to give up its ghost, then there's no other being in this world to put all the blame but to me. No other else but me.. He would'nt think that way if I didn't let things to go the way they are.

Euphoria or Despair?

If these tears were really magic, I would’ve been the best magician in the world

Neither my miseries nor my sorrows were the cause

And do reverse the latter to know the reason

Dance with me in the rhythm of our heartbeats

Staring at the skies as the raindrops kiss my cheeks

Flowing with the torrent, these tears I cried

Standing in the midst of my own ruthless pride

=s

Gaping chasm

I follow you like the moon follows the sun, it’s making me numb allover. If only I could devour the stars and suck in the universe to let you know how much I really mind. And just the notion of you getting hurt really sears so deeply on my skin. Morphine. How I wish for this pain to be just like morphine. Makes me numb, and high…hoping for it to make me feel alright. I’ve failed to keep my word and it was an abomination to me. Sorry if I’ve caused you so much anguish.

Drinking this cup of cold coffee as I stare at the sun setting at the horizon. I wait for the moon to shine next and for it to serve as my solace in this bewilderment. And still, the fact that the moon can’t be with the sun just makes me realize the improbability of this reverie. I’ve always dreamed of walking the emerald meadow with the summer breeze caressing my face. I’d like to be with you in that perfect day. And the impossibility of it was like….Just as the picturesque view seemed almost endless, I’d find myself lying my head on the soft ground, then it’d open up a profound chasm that’s as dark as coal. The earth folds and then devours me as I look up at the almost perfect blue skies as they turn scarlet.

This make- believe?

It’s getting harder to breathe everyday. “Cheers for this another f*cking tied promise”---

Pretending as if nothing happened is my favorite game.

If only I could be sightless and just flee from the truth that the flame is starting to burn out. And the love is starting to fade away. The stretched out distance between us is almost tangible.

I’m losing this streak of him, losing my connection as the hands of the clock tick for another second.

The unfathomable mood that circles around us reeks as it happily keeps this bond on tenterhooks.

We’ve sworn out loud and clear, but seems like the silence eats out the zeal and spirit of the tenderness that once dwelt inside each of us.

I still feel the same thing towards him that I can’t feel for anyone else. Or is this mess just a make-believe that I chose to deem into?